Strange Hotels
by suicidal cats go flush
Summary: SasuNaru. Around 6 years after Sasuke left the village, Naruto is a workaholic nin whose friends decide he desperately needs a vacation. After they con him into going on a vacation to the sand he lodges with Gaara and they go clubbing. Rest of Sum. Inside
1. A world replaced

Sasu/Naru. Around 6 years after Sasuke left the village, Naruto is a workaholic nin whose friends decide he desperately needs a vacation. So anyway after they con him into going on a vacation to the sand he lodges with Gaara and they go clubbing. With hotel room switch ups, mistaken identities and at long last, the answer to why Kakashi is always late you just have to read to find out how our favorite brooding avenger and wannabe future Hokage hook up in the end. Yaoi Sasu/Naru and just for the hell of it Kakashi and Gaara might just get it on too (details such as the identity of the seme in this relationship and how I let this happen are in the fic. So… use that mouse like it was made to be used and click the link!)

Disclaimer- I don't own Naruto but Gaara is mine! Though seriously if Naruto was mine Sasuke would've been way too busy screwing him to have left Konoha. Thus the apex of the manga never would have occurred and the plot would've gone straight to hell.

_Italics _– thoughts or (in the case of the very 1st paragraph) dreams**  
**

**  
Crashing in Strange Hotels**

_Even if I have to break every bone in your body… come, I shall cut those bonds… I will bring you back… You must kill your closest friend…I thought of you as a brother… I am an avenger… You are the one closest to me… even back then… How are we friends… you are at your limit… I promised… you will not even scratch my forehead protector… that I would bring you back… I will recognize you… I can't go back… Goodbye… Naruto…_

Around 4 a.m. in a small one room apartment located in the Hidden Village of the Leaf, 19 year old Uzamaki Naruto abruptly swung out of bed. Sweat soaked and panting, he blanched and threw up near the base of his dresser. Unsteadily sinking to the floor, he covered his eyes and softly sobbed one name… "Sasuke".

**CHAPTER 1 (A world replaced)  
**

Later that morning, at the Ichikaruka Ramen Naruto sat and ate breakfast.

"Hey Naruto!"

Turning around he saw a tall, ponytail sporting boy and a girl with pink hair.

"Hi Shikamaru! Hi Sakura!" Finishing up his ramen he quickly went over to them. "What's up guys?"

"What's up? What's up!" Sakura began. _Oh shit… here it comes. _

"Do you have any idea how long you were gone!" she screeched.

"uh…"

"4 months!"

"well…"

"Left without a word!"

"ummm…"

"No phone call!"

"Well, you see, what happened was… Hey I haven't seen Kakashi-sensei in a while!" yelped Naruto, quickly changing the subject. "What's he up to?"

"Two years ago he said that he had a special mission to complete, and we haven't seen him since." grumbled Sakura. "And stop changing the subject!"

Shikamaru sighed. "Women are so troublesome."

"What was that!" shrieked Sakura

"Welcome back, Naruto. I see you've gotten prettier since you left."

"Take it back, Shikamaru…"

"Can't fight against the gifts god gives us, Naruto."

"So if those gifts happen to be a pretty face..."

"And a slim, lean, mean, fighting machine body, that stays in top shape no matter how much ramen we try to poison it with."

"Not you too Sakura."

"I'm afraid that you have long since joined the realm of bishie, my friend."

"Shikamaru, I'm going to **kill** you!"

"Who wants ramen, my treat!" Shikamaru swiftly piped.

"Oh! Where!"

"This way, my slow friend"

"…"

"HEY!"

Later after much eating and tom-foolery, the little group found themselves in Naruto's apartment. "Umm, could I get you guys a drink or something?" Naruto asked.

"Yea, that'd be-"

"No, we're fine." Sakura interrupted, glaring at Shikamaru.

Catching the hint he groaned and then sighed "so troublesome", before turning to Naruto and saying, "We need to talk."

"About?"

"You, actually."

"I don't underst-"

"We're **worried** about you!" Sakura finally shouted.

"What? Why?"

"Naruto…" she began. "Within the past few years you've thrown yourself into over 20 consecutive long term missions. You don't take good care of yourself and you can't sleep without pills. You work so much that we hardly see you anymore and the only thing that you still do, that's normal for you, is eat ramen. I mean, it's like you're a man possessed and you've been like this ever since-"

"Shut up, Sakura"

She clamped her mouth shut and for a couple minutes no one spoke. Then, "I know it hurt when he left, Naruto but you have to let him go and move on… We all had to."

"You weren't there." murmured Naruto. "You didn't see him. Didn't fight him. And you weren't the one **WHO JUST FUCKING LAID THERE AS HE WALKED AWAY**!" he screamed. Shikamaru intervened, "Naruto don't take this out on Sakura and me, we're just trying to help."

"**YOU WEREN'T THERE, SO DON'T TALK LIKE YOU FUCKING KNOW! YOU WEREN'T THERE, YOU DIDN'T _SEE _HIM…didn't**… didn't see…"

Shaking, Naruto turned away.

Sakura continued, "Naruto, maybe you should take a vacation. You need to get away from this village, its people and all the memories in a way that doesn't involve work or being a ninja."

"Memories aren't stationary, Sakura. They tend to follow to people." Naruto spit out.

"I know that but-"

"What Sakura is trying to say," Shikamaru calmly mediated. "is that you need go somewhere where every blade of grass doesn't remind you of Sasuke and to catch up on some well deserved r & r."

"And that somewhere would be?"

"How about the Hidden Village of the Sand? From what I hear they're a bit scarce on the grass side."

"That's a great idea!" Sakura exclaimed. "You haven't seen Gaara since that last mission 8 months ago. I know he would be happy to see you. He'll probably put you up in a room at his place."

"That way you'd save the money that you would have spent on a hotel room." Shikamaru quipped.

Naruto glanced back and forth between Sakura and Shikamaru, then sighed.

"Sooooo?" Sakura asked

"Do I have a choice?" groaned Naruto.

"Nope. And, Gaara can afford to feed you ramen everyday."

Naruto twitched.

"The highest quality ramen." she seduced.

Naruto had already started packing.

Sakura grinned and Shikamaru shook his head. _That's low Sakura._

Naruto looked at them and said, "What are you waiting for? Hurry up and book me a ride to the Sand!"

-----------------

You know your friends have been watching too much Naruto, when one of them attempts to use the sexy no jutsu to land a boyfriend.

Authors note:Yeh, I _really _wanted Gaara in this fic so… yeh. Oh and a small warning—the next couple of chapters were done during a period of 3 days of sleep deprivation so be prepared for the— oh you'll see.


	2. Put some salsa on that techno

**CHAPTER 2 (Put some salsa on that techno)**

"GAARA-CHAN!"

The red headed kazekage turned to see an exuberant blonde haired man running towards him.

"If you ever call me that again, Naruto, I'm using my desert coffin." Gaara stated firmly.

"Awww, Gaara don't be like that!"

"Fine. Then I'll just tell Temari that **you** were the one that broke her favorite fan last year."

Naruto sweatdropped. _I think I would prefer to be in the coffin! _

"So, Gaara where's the nearest ramen shop?"

"What?"

"Ramen. Sakura said that you would treat me."

"She didn't say anything about it to me, besides-"

Naruto felt a chill run up his spine.

"There are no ramen shops in this village."

Gaara heard a loud thud and looked down to see Naruto crying on the ground. Staring at the man sobbing in the dirt he thought, _He hasn't changed at all._

After Naruto unpacked his stuff at Gaara's house, Gaara told him to hurry up and get his club clothes on, because he was taking him to a techno club his sister had just told him about. Naruto quickly put on a form fitting blue shirt that stopped a good two inches before reaching his hips and a pair of black, baggy hip-hugger pants complete with a rope belt (Burn orange jumpsuit. Burn in the eternal flames of fashion HELL. Le bwahahaaa, le fufufu. Le **KUKUKUKUKUUUU!**). Running downstairs he met up with Gaara who had elected to wear black jeans, a loose fitting sleeveless vest made of very thin tan cloth, a wide bracelet on each wrist and several thin necklaces.

When they arrived the club was packed. Though fairly large in structure the milling people, loud music and full spectrum of flashing lights made it seem smaller.

While scanning the layout, Naruto noticed that the dance floor had been sectioned off and that the only people on it wore black and red outfits.

"Hey Gaara, what's goin' on with the dance floor?" asked Naruto picking up a drink.

Gaara glanced over, "They're about to have a salsa competition."

Naruto froze before he got the cup to his lips. _Wasn't this a techno club?_

Gaara opened his mouth to explain but before he could get the words out the DJ announced, "Alright ladies and gents, welcome to the hottest hippest club in the Sand, The Puppet. The only place in the world where not only can you find monthly tech-salsa competitions… you can find monthly **male-only**, **masquerade **tech-salsa competitions.

…

…

_What the hell…_

"So anyway without further ado, I give you the dancers." Shouted the DJ. Thus commenced the fast paced, flexible motions of masked, red & black clad, tightly pantsed men. But one man completely drew everyone's attention.

"Hey Gaara?" Naruto asked suddenly.

"What?"

"Does that guy seem familiar to you?"

For a second, Gaara stared in the mans direction.

Then said, "Yeh, now that you mention it. Why, can you recognize him?"

With every fluctuation of his arm, every spin and grind, the man gradually beat out the competition. Until with one final twist of his hip...

"I think we have a winner!" DJ-man yelled as an explosion of applause burst out. "And no surprises here, it's our defending champ, Smexy Sensei!" Another burst of applause and then Sexy --(oh no sorry, my fingers type what they want to sometimes)-- Smexy Sensei motioned for the mike.

Receiving it, he then said "I would like to make an announcement."

The club went silent.

"And the announcement is that-"

He paused. The club waited eagerly.

"I am now single."

A huge cheer erupted throughout the Puppet. Gaara blinked.

Naruto tapped a nearby woman on the shoulder and asked, "What's the deal with this guy? And why is everyone so damned happy about him being single? They don't even know what he looks like behind that mask. It covers his entire face."

The woman replied, "He's a regular here for this competition, and is extremely popular, so now that he's single everyone's going to try and take a shot at him. As for the mask, he always takes it off sooner or later after he dances. And the man just oozes hotness."

Smexy Sensei continued "Now if there is anyone out there who might want to be with me, this is how it's going to work. There are going to be some conditions. After I announce them anyone who fits the bill, start a line in front of the stage and I'll interview you for a date. Questions?"

A rather hefty girl shouted from the crowd, "Well, actually. I hav-"

"No questions? Good, on to the conditions."

Gaara blinked twice.

"Requirement #1: You have to be hot."

Naruto gagged on his drink.

"#2: You can't be over 30. #3: You have to be single-Oh wait, never mind. I forgot that I don't care, so scratch that last one."

Naruto gaped. Gaara glanced at him, reached over, placed his hand underneath his chin and popped Naruto's jaw back in place.

Smexy held up his hand. "Oh yeah, I almost forgot. The most important condition."

Shiiiiiiiiin(silence)

"You have to be a guy. Sorry ladies."

Gaara leaned against the bar, looking more than a bit disturbed, as Naruto realized that this masked man had just scarred him for life. A huge clamoring sound filled the club as all the sexy, young bishounen rushed to get in the ever growing line and all as us women cried over the unfairness of life's most tragic question and fact: Why are the hot ones always gay?

With that Smexy Sensei handed back the mike, took off his masquerade mask and then out of nowhere, pulled out from behind him… the book Icha Icha Paradise (yaoi-edition).

Gaara stood stunned, while Naruto bellowed "**OH MY GOD**!"

-----------------

Authors note: Heh heh… Be proud of me. I was originally going to have Gai-sensei be the masked salsa dancer instead of Kakashi (with everyone fleeing the club instead of rushing to form a line. Can you imagine him salsa dancing in that green bodysuit?). Then a friend/beta (thank you Vio-chan) pointed out that Kakashi wasn't in my fic. Immediately shouting "That can't be right!", I checked. And she was right. Thank God for small inspirations, huh?

Oh and about my male only, masquerade tech-salsa competition… just leave it alone man. Just leave it alone.


	3. Somewhat angsty smuttiness Of a sort

Warning- This chapter is not as good as it could have been but I really just wanted to get it out of the way and post it cuz I have the next 5 chapters finished and I can't post them till this is done… so I have angst problems and the smut sorrowful, pathetic sigh . I will probably redo and repost later. Maybe… anyway read.

**CHAPTER 3 (Somewhat angsty smuttiness. Of a sort.)**

Miles away and days earlier in a dark hotel room two figures writhed on a single queen sized bed. One was a rather feminine blond of about average height with bright blue eyes, while the other was tall with a lean, athletic body, dark hair, pitch black eyes and a face any model would envy. The blond, gasping and moaning, arched as he squeezed his blue eyes shut, while the darker male watched with cold black eyes as the smaller teenager rode him in dazed motion. A while later the blond turned on a small lamp on the nightstand, then laid down on the bed chatting as the other got dressed.

"That was incredible!"

"…"

"I wish all my customers were half as good as you."

"…"

"I mean when you did that thing with your tongue, I honestly thought I was going to melt." _Even though you don't seem very satisfied, _thought the blond. _We've been doing this a couple times each week for a month now and not once have I seen him get excited or even the tiniest crack in that cold exterior of his. We just come here same time, same place and screw in the dark. But hell what am I bitching about? I get fucked by the sexiest man I have ever laid eyes on and am paid well for it. Hell him, I'd fuck for free… if money wasn't so damn useful to have._

"Sure you don't want to go for another round, sexy?"

"Your money's on the nightstand" was his only response before the man walked out the door.

The air was warm as the man walked away from the room. It was a beautiful night with no clouds and brightly shining stars. The young man stared at the sky.

_Konoha is probably seeing the same sky as I am… and I've manage to inflict the perfect wound on the only person I would share this with. _He leaned against a sign post. _Through our loneliness a bond was formed that seemed to defy all expectations and through that bond the pain that both of us had felt seemed to have abandoned us but, true scars never really heal and when I broke that bond… we developed newer, deeper scars. I destroyed the only true bond I had left, with the only person who understood and shared my pain. I betrayed his trust. /'m such a fucking cowa-_. "You must think I've lost my touch if you think I can't sense you…" the man stated flatly. "…Orochimaru."

Immediately a man(1) dropped from a nearby tree.

"Oh, I would never think that of you, Sasuke-kun."

"Then what are you doing here?"

"Making sure you were safe, of course."

"As you can see I'm fine."

"Of course, Sasuke-kun, but I just worry so when you're not near."

"Don't mock me, Orochimaru. Tell me why you're here."

"Well actually I **was** wondering," Orochimaru hissed slowly. "when you first started screwing this guy, did they just randomly ship him off or did you actually request to be sent someone with the same physical attributes as Nar-" Before he could even get the name out, Sasuke had him up against the building wall by the neck.

Orochimaru smirked, "I guess that answers that question."

Sasuke glared at him, his eyes red and spinning, then growled "I want you to call your dogs off and then I want you to stay the hell out of my sight!"

"Such a bold request Sasuke-kun. But you forget… I own you."

"My life is my own."

"That very well might be the case but your body is mine(2)." Then he grinned and derisively whispered. "Tell me this. When you keep the room dark like that, do you really feel like it's Naru-chan under you instead of some blond whore?"

Sasuke increased the pressure on Orochimaru's neck(3).

-----------------

ok look dammit. I refuse to do a description for this man. We all know what he looks like and I'm keeping him just as freaky and creepy as the original. Now to those who haven't read the manga or watched the anime… I'm sorry (why are you reading this fic?) I refuse. Look this is all you need to know about the man. He looks human, has long black hair and has a sword stored in a really strange spot. Think freaky snake man and you just about got it.

Not like that, kiddies.

Uh-uh. Don't even get your hopes up. Orochimaru ain't even going out like that (lol).

Authors note: _I'M SORRY_… I should just throw myself and my computer out the window. My smut sucks. But I tried! My first sex scene in my first fic and I chickened out. This should be a fond memory for my future self, but instead I'll look back, shudder, find the nearest computer and burn it in effigy. I'm just not angsty enough. I mean if somebody I knew fell down the stairs and broke a leg, I wouldn't go and say "The world is a black, black pit of despair and all elephants secretly wish to be a thin mongoose." No I would … I would laugh. At some point I'm sure I would call a paramedic but my point is I tend find things funny before angsty. Anyway I'll try to do better next time. Sorry…

Beta Note: …. OMG…. I think I might just have to hit her if she comes up with anymore things that are supposed to be angsty that are funnier than anything she's said that's supposed to be funny…. That's all.

Authors 2nd note: Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwww, Vio-chan don't be like that. snuggle snuggle

Beta 2nd Note: ¬¬ goes and gets her daggers…

Authors 3rd note: Look dammit. If I wanna be angsty then I'll be angsty. The sky darkens and the howl from my chinchilla's soul pierces the universe.

Beta 3rd Note: uh huh…see what I mean right? Anyway onto the next chapter already!

Rin's 1st Note: don't worry, no judgmental-ness on the sex scene.. its better than me.. I tried to DRAW a sex scene.. couldn't finish it… dies from laughing SMITE!

Authors LAST note: What, are **all** my friends writing notes in my fanfic now? What is this to you guys, a slam book!


	4. Of lateness, masked men & cheese fondue

**CHAPTER 4 (Of lateness, masked men and cheese fondue.)**

"Naruto! Naruto!"

Currently Gaara was trying to shake his friend, who seemed to be passed out, back to consciousness. But sadly, all shaking seemed to do was change the Oh-my-god-the-man-who-taught-me-almost-everything-I-know-is-actually-a-gay-masked-tech/salsa-dancer look on his face to an I-think-I-just-lost-the-will-to-breathe look.

Thinking quickly, Gaara pointed in some random direction and said, "Ramen."

Naruto jumped up searching.

"WHERE?"

-----------------

Naruto dragged Gaara to the front of the line. One man, apparently not too pleased with being cut, sneered at Naruto "Get in line bitch!"

Gaara turned around and gave him a look—just one look. The man almost pissed himself. "Take my spot. I r-really didn't need another man for my entourage in the first place. I mean- I'll be leaving now." And he was gone.

Naruto and Gaara were now next in line to see Kakashi.

"Sorry you don't qualify, NEXT!"

Okay, now they were up to see Kakashi.

Naruto stood staring in front of him. Kakashi looked up and quickly said, "Blondes don't do it for me, NEXT!"

_Should my bishie pride be offended?_

Naruto grabbed the front of his shirt. "Now wait justa goddamn minute! Where the fuck have you been the past two years and more importantly—WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE?"

Kakashi sighed. "To answer your first and second question-" Naruto leaned in listening.

"I don't feel like it."

Naruto almost fell then shook Kakashi while bellowing, "WAS THIS WAS YOUR SO CALLED SPECIAL MISSION!"

Kakashi removed Naruto's hands from his shirt.

"No, this is what some would call pursuing a much loved hobby, during an extended vacation."

Naruto's left eye twitched.

"Hobby?"

Kakashi's eye smiled (Yes, he was wearing his normal mask under that masquerade mask. Oh and he has a bandana to cover his sharingan).

"Yea, you see… about that."

Naruto's right eye twitched. _What else could this man say to shatter what remains of my childhood image of him? _

Kakashi continued to speak.

"You know how I was always late to all our meetings and practices…"

Naruto immediately zoned out. _No…no…I refuse…_

"Well, the reason for that would be that I was here. I found this place years ago during a mission and got hooked-"

_I'm not listening, I'm not listening. _

"and the bird went, "aho aho""

_Still not listening. _

"then megaman stole my cheese fondue-"

_Wait…_

"And that's how I saved China."

_What just happened? _

Gaara broke his silence by asking Kakashi, "So what you're saying to Naruto is that the reason you were late all the time is because you were here?"

"Yea, that's the gist of it." said Kakashi quickly glancing at him and grinning.

"You've grown up well, Gaara of the Sand."

"…"

Naruto stared at Kakashi smiling at Gaara and killed about a quarter of his brain cells through shock.

_Oh shit…_

"Stop hitting on him, he's not like that!"

"You're not my type." Gaara calmly interrupted.

"Yea!" agreed Naruto.

"I like my men maskless."

"Yea! …wait-**WHAT!**"

-----------------

Authors note: heart


	5. Crack, Complete Crack

**CHAPTER 5 (Crack, Complete Crack)**

"I like my men maskless."

"Yea! …wait-**WHAT!**"

Gaara glanced at Naruto.

"I'm gay, didn't you know?"

Wordlessly Naruto shook his head.

"Surely you didn't think that someone with such fabulous fashion sense as myself could be anything but gay?"

Naruto's right side went numb.

"Well if you think about it, back when we first met in the chounin exams, even then my sense of fashion far outshined that of all the other genin boys. Sure I was insane but my ensemble was—I'm just fucking with you Naruto. I'm gay but I'm not that gay. You should have seen your fa- Naruto… Naruto? Ok Naruto quit playing. H-he's foaming at the mouth."

Naruto felt something inside of him snap. His aura turned black and a soft kukuku escaped from his lips.

"Naruto?" Kakashi prodded.

Naruto glanced up. Gaara and Kakashi jumped back. His eyes had turned completely black (white part included).

"I summon forth from the deepest pits of hell, all true evil to come and smite my enemies. For mine enemies are thy enemies."

Thunder crashed overhead.

"What the fuck kind of jutsu is that!" shrieked shocked shitless Gaara.

"Hell if I should know but I think we broke him!" Kakashi shouted.

"Well, what should we do?"

"Ummmmm, run?"

And that is how Kakashi and Gaara eloped to Bangladesh, Naruto wannabe future Hokage came to be known as Lord of all Evil Naruto and Sasuke became the flower princess of the realm of Falalalalaa.

**THE END of Strange Hotels**

-----------------

Authors Note: Hehe… Alright obviously that's not the end but if I don't get some sleep soon I'm liable to turn Kakashi into the masked Wallmart smiley who torments small children by telling them Santa Clause is a character in Come Come Paradise. Anyrate, see ya next chapter (It's a real one I promise). Well I'll see you next time if Sasuke hasn't found out about the flower princess remark. lol.

-authoress hears noise and turns head-

"Ah Sasuke… you're… here."

-Sasuke activates the sharingan-

"Sasuke it was a joke—_point the Chidori elsewhere_—c'mon where's your sense of humor?"

-evil red glare-

"I don't have a sense of humor."

-authoress strikes thoughtful pose-

"Well that's true. I mean, that has been proven, used and immortalized in fanfic over fanfic ov-"

-Sasuke's glare intensifies-

"oh… shit."

-Authoress runs-

-Sasuke chases-

"Come back here!"

"NOOOOO! I must live so I can slash up you and Naruto's relationship even more!"

-angry ninja runs faster-

(angry ninjas run fast)

_Why do I say these things that piss the angsty **ninja** off even more!_

So I'll see you next chapter… if I can make it to the next chapter.

"**There** you are!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

BTW: Does anyone know how to use astericks when posting fics on this website because they just deleted all of mine and I had to replace them with - -

Puhlease review!


	6. And then I was molested by Gaara

Ok, I just want to say that this is a real chapter and it continues after ch. 4, not the crack ch.5. 

Oh and Vio-chan my dear, sweet beta (?) and friend, in response to your "review" I only have this to say…

…

…

LISTEN HEIFER AND LISTEN GOOD, IF I WANT MAGICAL STAR FAIRY BUNNIES TO SWOOP DOWN AND BISHIE-NAP SASUKE & NARUTO SO THEY CAN SHAG IN PEACE, THEN I'LL DO THAT! AND I CAN UPDATE ANY DAMN TIME I WANT!

…

…

Ok? Lurve ya ta death. hug hug, kiss kiss, on with the story.

**CHAPTER 6 (And then I was molested by Gaara)**

"**WHAT!!!**"

Gaara glanced at Naruto, "What, what?"

"You! And the "I like my men maskless" comment, when **he** started hitting on you!" Naruto shouted as he whirled around and pointed to Kakashi.

"**YOU! THIS IS _YOUR_ FAULT, YOU BASTARD!"**

Kakashi looked up from his book with a bored expression, "Impossible. Nothing's my fault since I'm perfect in every way."

_You…fucking…narcissist… _

"And who the hell ever said you were perfect, asshole" Naruto ground out.

Kakashi's eye grinned. "Well let's see."

Kakashi scanned the crowd and beckoned to the first person he made eye contact with. The girl squeed (yes squeed, not squealed. squeeing is worse) and was instantly in front of Kakashi.

"Yes." She breathed.

Lightening fast, Kakashi drew her to him and romantically dipped her (like how you dip a tango partner but not like how you dip a chip).

Staring deeply into the heart-shaped eyes of the fangirl, he whispered, "Do you love me?"

Naruto face-planted into the floor.

"Oh yes" she sighed shyly, while her inner self was saying something along the lines of, **_HELL YEAH!!! THIS IS_ _WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT!_**

"Do you think I'm sexy?" Kakashi gently asked.

"HELL YE- I mean, Oh yes Kakashi" she sweetly finished.

Naruto gaped in disgusted shock while inwardly thinking, _I hope Satan has already reserved you your own special place in hell, you bastard!_

And Gaara… well his thought pattern was, _If I were to use my Desert Coffin on Naruto's former sensei, would that be going against the whole "good guy" thing or would I be doing the world a favor?_

"Tell me how sexy I am." he continued, caressing the girl's cheek.

"With your gleaming silver hair, smoldering eye, mysterious mask, lean yummy body and your sexy voice, you're a girl's wet dream."

"Are you saying that I only interest women?"

Frantically Naruto looked about the room. _Gonna…vomit…must find…trash can…_

"Oh, no Kakashi!" the fangirl gushed. "Your sexiness is like a river that both males and females drown in, your ass is like a greek gods, and you-you-" Kakashi's face was getting closer and closer to hers, causing her to stutter. "y-you-you're perfect!" she exclaimed, before a fountain of blood whooshed from her nose and she abrubtly passed out.

Kakashi dropped her and offhandedly said, "Thanks babe that will be all."

Naruto stared at the unconscious woman. "Jesus, sensei did you just make that girl come?"

"Sounds like it. Anyway the lesson to be learned today is that my perfection is obvious, even to complete strangers."

…

_Someone get a tourniquet, I think my sanity is bleeding._

"You know," Gaara stated offhandedly, interrupting his houseguests' thoughts. "it would be significantly harder to satisfy someone who wasn't one of your fans."

A gleam of interest shined in Kakashi's eye.

"I've never gotten any complaints."

"The people you screw probably couldn't tell the difference between great sex and a hole in the wall."

Naruto mentally cheered on his friend. _That's it Gaara, verbally kick his ass!_

"Well this isn't something that can be proven with words alone so… how bout' I give you a demonstration?"

"Nice try, sensei!" laughed Naruto. "Like Gaara would-"

"When?"

Naruto gaped at his closet obliterating friend.

Kakashi's eye grinned, "Well when are you free?"

"Now."

"My place or yours?"

"Yours."

"Well then, what are we waiting for?"

Gaara turned to Naruto and said, "Call a cab and get a ride back to the house, tell the driver to charge the fare to my name. Don't wait up for me. See ya."

Naruto nodded mutely, then stared as his now best friend left to go have wild, crazy sex with his ex-sensei. He wondered where it all went wrong. He wondered how he let this happen. He wondered…

"How the fuck am I supposed to get in the house when you have the keys to that fortress! Huh!? GAARA!!!"

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Oh shit… I forgot. Ok so yeah the title of this chapter is named "And then I was molested by Gaara" and when I first started writing this I had every intention of having Gaara molest the hell out of our favorite blond, but then it took much longer then I was expecting to finish this chapter and school… yeah. I forgot. SUE ME! ANYWAY, I have every intention of having Gaara molest Naruto somehow… and have this story still be completely SasuNaru. So look forward to that and! Next chapter we start getting into the actual plot (I knooow. Plot. Me? WTF!?!) Oh and more detail on Kakashi and Gaara for latas!

TTFN.


	7. I lurve ya, Max

**CHAPTER 7 (I lurve ya, Max)**

"Damn Gaara!"

Our hero is currently locked in the life or death struggle of trying to find a place to stay the night.

"Shit!"

Not having much luck is he?

**CRASH!**

**BANG!**

**MEOWWW!**

"FLUFFYYYY!!!"

"Ah fuck…"

See Naruto.

"YOU! You killed my Fluffy!"

See Naruto run.

"Monster! Cat-killer! _MURDERER!_"

See Naruto run faster.

"I DIDN'T KILL YOUR DAMN CAT, LADY!"

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"What is it about fat, rich women and cats?"

This is how Naruto found himself halfway in the door of the most dilapidated hotel on this side of creation.

_Well I might as well crash at this place. My apartment's too far away for me to attempt to get there tonight and it's not like I can ask Gaara to come pick me up._

"Hey mista, are ya here ta get that room again or ta take up all my oxygen?" broke in a voice. "Cuz air ain't free ya know."

Turning around, Naruto saw an old geezer who looked almost as run down as the hotel. _Again? What is he talkin… you know what I don't care. I'm **not** in the mood for this. _"And who says air isn't free old man?" he ground out.

"Me, the almighty Max."

"Teme…"

"An' sides air might be free but air **conditioning** for sure ain't, so if you was gonna get a room, get in here and close the damn door, ya stupid motherfucker."

_And the asshole said it so calmly too…_

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_

After paying the hotel owner, Naruto wearily made his way up the steps to his room. _I can't believe that old fucker charged me a hundred dollars for a night in this shithole! And why the hell is this the only hotel in a twenty mile radius and how- 919? Isn't my room number 890?_

Checking his surroundings Naruto saw he went two sections past the one he was supposed to enter. "shit, I went too far. Now I hafta-" _MARY, JESUS AND JOSEPH! ARE THOSE TWO **MEN** MAKING OUT!?!_

Ducking around a corner he stood, frozen, unable to move and unsure of what to do. "Ahhh… wait… ah… stop, not… out here… some-ahhh… someone… might come." He heard a chuckle and then caught one (obviously the seme) say to the other. "The only coming right now is you and don't worry- I'll pay extra for this little service." Naruto could feel sweat run down his face at that one.

_Now he's a prostitute!? I gotta get away from here while their pants are still on!_

Naruto sprinted away from the two (now moaning) men, down the stairs, across the walkway to the "correct" section, up the stairs, checked way too many room numbers for his liking till finally, at long last room 890. He unlocked the door, threw himself inside, locked it back and collapsed, exhausted, on the bed. Naruto then reached over to where he had dropped his bag on the side of the bed and got his sleeping pills. Trying his best not to think about what just happened, he downed what is probably more than the recommended healthy amount for sleeping pills and whispered sleepily to the dark room "What the hell type of hotel is this anyway?"

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The door alarm chimed once, announcing another guest's arrival. The reedy old hotel owner looked up from his show.

"Ah! If it ain't my favorite customer!" Max trilled sarcastically in high falsetto.

Sasuke snorted.

"My room ready yet?" he asked.

"Why yes sir and, of course, this being the respectable hotel it is…"

Both men eyed the decaying surroundings.

"Your room was the one with the pretty, ready and willing blond man in it, who just can't wait ta satisfy your every whim and desire." said Max, pretending to read off of his hotel records.

The dark haired man's eyes glowed red.

"Ah shove it, Uchiha." scoffed Max.

Shock ran across Sasuke's face.

"Yea I know who you are and your eyes don't scare me. So why don't you give me my money, take your brooding, angsty ass up ta your room, fuck that blond whore in there ta your hearts content, leave, I'll pretend ta be the kind hearted, caring, don't-know-shit, senile old man you see in bad Christmas flicks who just don't understand this generation's wayward ways, you come back same time next week and we'll start the process all over again."

With that Max turned back to the small black and white tv behind his desk.

Sasuke just stared.

_Asshole…_


End file.
